The moment I close my eyes, I can feel that everything will be alright. But I was wrong, stomach cramps start to kick in—and the next thing I know…
I’m suffocating myself from all the thinking that I did.
Back and forth, scanning all the possible reasons why this trauma still happening. I blame my past, the people, and then me.
I’m trying to bargain things again that are sure impossible to get.
I heard this strange song, it is beautiful. I want to cry—because the track is perfect for this moment.
I’m closing my eyes, slowly thinking of you then I stop. Because, this moment should be elapsed.
It’s been a while since I wrote something that is not about positive stuff, well, what can I say that’s my job – to cover and write fun shit.
Well, here’s the deal, I decided to finally go back to school – best thing shit right? Not to mention after four fucking years, I’m back, bitches! My career is still at its roller-coaster state, my new colleagues are so good at writing, to be honest and not to exaggerate as well, but, they have a lot of awesome-sauce ideas, here I am, just fucking fucked-up lame person, still trying to impress everyone with my not-so-nice personality.
I have a lot of douche shit in my bag, I don’t know where to throw it. My not-so-exfriend memories still hunting me and this issue is still, stuck in my brain. My mom is fucked-up, and my little sister too.
I’m writing this, not to make you guys sad, because at the first place, this isn’t sad, I’m just fucked up and I need to get my shit together.
Hey, you! Yes you! In case, I commit suicide – please let them know that I fucking failed failure!
I know this one doesn’t make any sense, but you know what? Thank you for reading my shit.
Another cloudy day picture that is so like my cloudy eyes, cloudy personality, and cloudy life. things aren’t right, again.
or should I say, I’m not alright again.
as I dive into the pool of needles and tangled threads, i always keep in mind, that I’m okay, just okay or maybe fine, I guess.
I was clogged with too much ambition.
reaching something I can’t really get, no matter how hard i try.
I think, I need that perfect green light.
yes, that green light i want it.
but i wish i, can get my things, and just let go.
let go, forget, and light my cigarette.
things got harder and more difficult.i thought i am numb, fuck no!
22, still young right?
but I’m so fucking pissed off with my life.
full of hate, anger, and even madness.
i don’t even know who my real friends are.
except for one. Me.
not a self-absorbed narcissist but,
this is my point of view in life now.
things will get really fucked-up.
i can’t run away.
i can’t hide.
i can’t even cry.
my life now.
i wasn’t born rich.
i was born poor,
But I’m tough!
all i need to do is move forward.
light up some cigarettes.
and then, I cried. a. ocean.
pain in my chest.
I can’t take it.
sorry, I can’t say goodbye.
Mahal, nasaan ka na ba?
Mahal, nasaan nanaman ba ako?
Lumayo, bumalik, at muling umibig.
Ngunit, nasaan na nga ba ako muli?
Halos, isang linggo ng hindi nag-uusap ngunit, bakit di ko magawang magkusa at kausapin ka?
Lalayong muli, hihingi ng paumanhin, muling sasambitin ang mga salitang ‘Mahal Kita’, Sapagka’t hindi ko na napatunay na ako’y karapat dapat mo pang ibigin.
Naalala mo pa ba nung naglalakad tayo sa ulan ng walang pakielam
at naki-silong saglit sa isang sa isang imprintahan?
Kumanta at tumatawa habang ang mga uniporme natin ay basa na?
Siguro, hindi na. Siguro, maski ako hindi mo na naalala.
Mahigit limang taon na ang nakakaraan at halos mag-iisang taon na ding hindi nagkikita. Asan ka ba? Wala na ko sa paningin mo di ba?
Hindi na babalik at hindi na susuyuin pa, sapagkat ikaw mismo ay bumitaw na.
Sumilip ka, ngunit dagling pumiglas ang iyong tingin sa akin at tumingin sa iba. Ang akala kong magandang bukang-liwayway ay ngayo’y malungkot na dapit hapon na.
Naisip mo bang lumingon muli?
Kase ako hindi na.
Naisip mo bang iwasto ang mga parirala?
Siguro hindi na.
Maglalakad pa layo. Hihikbi. At iipikit ang mga mata.
Nagising, nag-isip, at nagnilay-nilay kung totoo ba talagang nangyari ang mga pariralang hindi na nawasto ng maganda nating alaala.
Bukang Liwayway, Dapit Hapon, at Ikaw 3/21/17